Hoobastank - The Reason

This is for you.

Listen to the lyrics.

Post No. 10 : Addiction - Lying / Treatment - Honesty

Where do I come up with such lame titles like that? I'm sorry. haha. Anyways, typical topic I feel like talking about so...here we go.

I have a problem with lying to people close to me. Why do I lie? Well I lie because I think it makes things easier, almost the saying "what they don't know, doesn't hurt them" kind of deal. I lie because I'm afraid of the truth, to be honest. Sometimes I much rather people lie to me and have believe that things are better than it really is; I much rather live in a fairytale dream sometimes than be hurt. I'm afraid of losing those people close to me and I worry about what they may think of me. There are many things about myself I'm not proud of, even ashamed of and I don't talk about those things with people close to me, so what do I do? I lie to people that ever ask me anything about me that may reveal my past.

It's a horrible thing that I need to lie to other people about who I really am but this may be possibly worst: lying to myself. I lie about things to make my life seem better. I've lied to myself saying I'm a good person but when I realize all the bad things I've done, I'm not worthy of anyone. I've lied to myself saying I'm a happy person and I'm comfortable with who I am and all those things just because I've always had that image with my friends and people that know me.

Now, the honesty. I've learned the hard way about the phrase "what they don't know, doesn't hurt them." that is a lie in itself. People don't like to know they are being lied to. It's not a great feeling and I should know that by now. I've told the truth to two people in my life that really meant something to me. First person, I told them the truth to purposely hurt them because they hurt me so much over the years. Second person, I told them the truth because I wanted to prove that I can be honest with them and I love them dearly; I can't imagine my life without them and I hope they can forgive me. There are other people in my life that I told the truth to and they appreciate my honesty and that is a great feeling. I hope to open up to more people in my life and that are close to be and let them know the real me.

I want to be honest with myself. I don't know who I am and I plan to find out who I really am. I'm not that happy girl you see all the time, I'm not that comfortable with my body what so ever, I'm not happy about my past, I'm not happy with the way I act a lot of the times. I thought I knew who I was for awhile and I was solid with that, but now to think about it, I've been lying to myself. That is why this summer is the time I discover myself.

Honesty is really important, whether it be with friends, family, loved ones, or yourself, it is very important to be honest. I had to learn that the hard way and I do regret doing what I have done to some people in my life, and now I know I need to change and fix all the wrong doings I've done. I'm sorry to anyone, and you know who you are, that I've lied to you. I didn't mean to hurt you as much as I have. I hope you can forgive me.

Thanks.

-Allison

Post No. 9 : My Summer Plans

Whoa! Holy! I'm already done my first year of college! And now it's summer vacation and it's only April! Woooo! I love college. haha. But anyways, I've decided something that's going to be great for me in the long run and this is the summer it's going to happen.

First off, I'm not technically done school. I still have two exams on the 30th so I'll be attending that then I'm done! But anyways, I'm going to clean my room! Again...I always clean my room...but I'm going to get rid of things that I don't need and keep some of them in a box because my room is beyond clutter and it needs to be cleaned out ASAP! I want to minimize all this clutter. Then before I leave for Hong Kong, I'm going to clean one last time so when I come home, I know I'll have a clean room to come home to. It'll be lovely.

Next, once my exams are over, I'm going to spend the last 18 days just relaxing and hanging out with my friends! I'm going to Hong Kong for 52 days and I want to see them all before I go. I'm going to have a picnic with the group of friends I don't see as often now because of college and everyone has their own plan in life. Then I'm going to hang out with some other friends that aren't going to be at the picnic. I also plan to just have some alone time with my best friend Kelsie. I miss her like crazy and we're going to spend the whole day together and we're going to talk about everything! We're going to go out a spa date and then a lunch date and then "lets run around in the park" date and maybe a dinner date. haha. It's going be super sexy. I'm totally excited about that.

Thirdly - is that a word? - While I'm "summer-breaking" I'm going to discover who I really am. I know, that sounds super cheesy but it's something that I can see benefiting me in the long run. I've realized early this morning that I've been lying to myself and trying to make things perfect but I'm not that happy with myself and who I really am. I'm ashamed of who I was and how I act sometimes. I want to change that and I think it's about time. This summer, I'm going to discover who I am, be happy with myself, better myself, become more mature, and grow up. I told my friend Benjamin that and that is where the prayer comes from.

Last thing will probably be the day I come home from Hong Kong, I'm having a get together with my friends and we're going to party it up! Then I'll have to chill out even more, discover myself more, take millions of pictures with my new camera, and then college starts up again and I'll be in the photography program. I'm very excited to start and it's going to be baaaalliiiin.

Now before I get any more distracted, I need find me a garbage bag, and fill it with a bunch of garbage that I don't need anymore and get cleaning on this room of mine. Bless everyone!

Thanks.

-Allison

Prayer

My friend Benjamin is my closest friend and he is a wonderful person. I'll explain later but this is his prayer for me.

Thank you Lord for Allison, and her heart that is loving towards other, and her heart that desires to be without burden. I ask that you keep her heart and a forward path to purity, peace, and love. I ask that you would help her discover herself this summer, and also discover who she isn't. Let there be complete clarity in who she is and is not. And help her grow to be who she rightfully desires to be Lord. I ask that you would always protect her, look after her and her good heart, and good intentions. Thank you for our friendship Father! :D Allison is a treasured friend to me. So protect her so my heart may be protected too. lol. thanks for everything, amen :)

It means a lot to me that he prays for me and I couldn't ask for anything more from him that just a good heart and being such an amazing friend.

Thanks

-Allison

Creative Writing No. 4 : Stupid Girl

No explanation needed. Inspired by my friend Cory.

April 23rd 2009
Stupid Girl
by Allison Wong

You're such a stupid girl.

What did you expect?
Things to change?
Things to go your way?
Like that will ever happen.

You're so dumb.

He has a life you know,
And it is with someone better.
Yeah, you may mean something to him,
But it will never compare to her.

You're such a stupid girl.

Where do you come up with these ideas
That things will magically change for the better?
This is life, and it's not fair
And it's not going to change just for you.

You're so dumb.

I'm not going to sugar coat this for you
Because you'll never learn.
If you want to stop than stop.
This can all end as long as you want it to.

You're such a stupid girl; that is the cold hard truth.

Thanks.

-Allison

Post No. 8: My view of people and myself.

Ah! This semester is almost over and I’m slowly becoming sane again. That is a good sign. After today (being Wednesday) I’ll only have one assignment left, four different test, and two exams! Wooot. I think? Haha. So much studying ahead but I think it’ll be okay. I can get through this, shouldn’t be overly hard. The test shouldn’t be too hard at least as long as I study.

We live in such a fast pace world that everything is constantly changing but I find it weird that people are actually becoming lazier and slacking more often. Where is that attitude to get things done on time and start earlier? Where are all those important values that our parents were brought up with? Some of them were pretty decent and actually useful. Are parents not teaching them or are we, as a generation, just trying to do our own thing? Are we so overwhelmed with technology and having everything else does stuff for us that we don’t care anymore about how well we do in school or whatever? This generation itself isn’t very creative on its own. We actually take everything we have now from the past several decades. We ARE the copycat at generation. Yeah we have couple things that are somewhat “us” but majority of it is stolen from past decades. Will we ever have our own identity? Will we even be remembered?

I’m still in need to explain my behaviour to people. Why is it that when someone isn’t acting like they usually do, there is “something is wrong”? Sometimes people change their behaviours because they don’t like who they are or they have the need to smarten up for good reasons. Why can’t it be simple as that and not as if “something is wrong.” Why can’t people just accept people’s behaviour and attitude? Why does it have to become your problem? Why isn’t the meaning of “no’ NOT “no” anymore? Why s everything a joke? Why can’t people be more serious with life? Is this my fault for coming to college? Where majority of people here DON’T take their education seriously? I don’t know, I’m here for me and I’ll do whatever I have to do to succeed. 

I think i've become too mature for most people in my life now. I take things seriously and it bothers me people don't. I get embarrassed when the people I hang out with are doing childish things. Yeah I do childish things myself but I still monitor what I do. When I say childish, I probably mean nerdy... Like games we played when we were in elementary school. To be doing that stuff in college to me is very childish. Maybe I should change who I'm hanging out with. Maybe just hang out by myself. I miss my friends dearly. Should we all be this way? Being embarrassed of who you hang out with? I mean, I always tell people it doesn't matter what others think of you, as long as you are having a good time and being yourself, that's all that matters. I guess I'm very self conscious and I do care about what people think of me. Oh well. Whatever. I'll figure things out soon. Only 2 weeks of school and then I'm out of here.

Thanks.

-Allison 

Creative Writing No. 3 : Relapse

Just a little writing before bedtime. Enjoy.
P.S. I hope you see the italics alright.

April 8th 2009

Relapse

by Allison Wong

What the fuck.

I thought you got over this!

You were doing fine without it!

That’s what you think

What changed?

A lot

Why do you think about it?

It’s always on my mind

Do you really need it?

I do

You’re not yourself anymore;

You aren’t motivated to do anything,

You sit around and over-think everything,

You stress yourself out about the smallest things now.

There is nothing wrong with that

That’s how life is sometimes

You’ve become completely addicted to this.

It’s the best high ever

You’re better off without it.

I feel complete with it

I know you can do this.

It’ll get better soon,

I don't think so

Thanks.

-Allison

Post No. 7 : Complete and utter distress / tired of things happening / misunderstood just a bit.

Yeah, I know I said I wouldn’t come and blog until everything is done but I’ve been so tired of everything that I’m so not motivated to do anything at all.

School is over taking my life. I’m tired of school. There is so much that needs to be done and so much is towards my final grade and I NEED to do well. What is the true point of school? What I want to get into is photography; photography is something I should DO and PRACTICE, not go to school for and then get a stupid grade on how well I do. Because of my grade and that little piece of paper I get in the end determines if I’ll get a job or not. Why not on my actual ability to DO well! It’s ridiculous. School is the biggest waste of my life and yet I can’t imagine my life without it. I’m going to drop doing my discussion for class because I honestly don’t have the time or even want to read anymore. Fuck it, if I don’t get that stupid piece of paper in the end, I’ll have my pictures and a nice (hopefully) portfolio and I’ll get a job that way…I hope.

Tired of things happening, not exactly in my personal life but things around me. People talking and bitching about everything, yeah I know I’m guilty of it but I’m not mumbling at the bottom of my breath and saying nasty things. I’ll keep them to myself and if it’s bothering me that much then I’ll say something. Why do people have such drama in their life? Why can’t it just be “whatever happens, happens.” I know I’m a total time-Nazi that way where I like to know what happens next but I’m not like that all the time. I have many moments where it’s like “Oh…well…that happened. Let’s move on” Holding grudges or getting mad to get mad because of everything else, being self-absorbed, not thinking why people do what they do, it’s so messed up. If people were more understanding and more cognitive to know why people do what they do then we wouldn’t be in such trouble and getting mad for no reason. Forgive and forget. Easier said than done but once its done then things should go easier.

I’m tired of not being taken seriously. Everything I do must be funny and a joke or “something is wrong.” Did I set myself up for this? Probably. I act immature and funny and stuff to break tension and to get people to like me. I don’t want people to think I’m a stiff prick that doesn’t have fun. I do enjoy making jokes but when it becomes me then it bothers me. I can be a very serious, responsible, and mature person but no one likes that. NO ONE. Allison seems to be defined as funny, immature, and must find EVERY JOKE HILARIOUS! Or something is wrong. Fuck that. I’m tired of explaining myself. I’m done.

P.S. some of these thoughts may not make sense but I just started typing what is on my mind so…that’s that.

Thanks.

-Allison