Post No. 6 : Stressing out about school making life less enjoyable.

Ah! Okay! This will be my last entry for a little bit since I’ve been bombarded with assignments, tests, essays, exams, presentations, and a whole heck of a lot more in the next month and things need to get done.

This is one of the busiest times of the months, you know, that last month before the semester is over. It’s HECTIC! Ah! And it’s consuming me hardcore. I feel like I’m just living to do all this. My life has been losing a lot of meaning and it’s quite depressing. I’ve lost interest in doing things I usually love; I don’t want to socialize as much, very to myself, slowly resorting back to an older version of me (which is bad beyond words), just lots of things in my life don’t seem to be as enjoyable as they use to. I’m not sure what it is. I think it’s just the stress and people talking to me about how their life is just wasting away. I have a much opened mind so I think about what people say to me. I’ve thought about why we are all here. What is the true purpose of life? Are we really living life? Are we already dead? I’ve been thinking about these very random yet deep thoughts; too deep for a 19 year old that has enough on her plate. I’m not sure what else I want to type right now so I’m going to put this aside and come back to it later tonight. [8:07PM]

[9:28PM] Okay, I’m back after finish up some notes and having dinner. I feel this way a lot when I get overwhelmed with school. All my attention, thoughts, and energy go into it and I think “Oh man...I have no life” Until it’s all over, I start having fun and doing things with friends or family or just by my lonesome lol. My schedule is hectic right now. Let’s go through some dates:

March 30 – Social Psychology Test 2
April 1 – Rebels, Misfits, and Criminals Essay Due
April 2 – Gender and Sexuality Test 2

April 9 - Understanding Interpersonal Violence Online Discussion
April 13 – Social Psychology Movie Assignment Due

April 15 – Rebels, Misfits, and Criminals Presentation/Understanding Interpersonal Violence Reflective Journal
April 20 – Issues in Canadian Mass Media Assignment 2
April 23 – Understanding Interpersonal Violence Test 2/Rebels,Misfits, and Criminals Test/Issues in Canadian Mass Media Test 3/Gender and Sexuality Test 3
April 30 – Issues in Canadian Mass Media Exam

Yeah, I’m toast. But once April 30 is over, I’ll have 18 days before going off to Hong Kong for 52 Days! So that’s a plus. Well I really have nothing else to say I guess. Main message, life is getting less enjoyable because of school. I don’t think I’m the only one that feels this way. The stress of school is just so overwhelming to some people when marks do mean something because it leads into other programs. Not saying that people who AREN”T trying don’t care, they have things planned out for them the way they want and depending on the circumstance, they might not even have to worry about this year because next year doesn’t depend on it. I can’t wait until it’s over and I go into photography.

Thanks.

-Allison

Creative Writing No. 2 : Just Another Boy

Just another day where I express the more creative side of me. Enjoy.

March 21st 2009
Just Another Boy
by Allison Wong

He’s just another boy;
He broke your heart,
He lied to your face,
He isn’t interested,
He played with your heart,
He brought you so much pain,
He made you cried night after night,
He doesn’t love you,
He doesn’t deserve you,
He doesn’t want you,
And he wants to move on without you,

Believe it or not,
You’re better off without him.
Too bad all those things are wrong or
The exact opposite making it hard to move on.

He wasn’t just another boy;
He did but he broke his too,
He lied for my benefit,
He was more than interested,
He did but without intentions,
He did but the happiness he brought was even better,
He made me smile too night after night,
He does love me,
He does deserve me,
He does want me,
And he did want me to move on with him.

Stop it! Stop justifying his actions!
You'll be fine; Move on. Please.
I’m tired of you being hurt.

Thanks.

-Allison

Post No. 5 : We are all liars.

This isn't a new thing; we've all noticed it in our lives. When it comes to a relationship, looks don't matter; all that matter is the person's personality, right?

I've started to think of this as absolutely bullshit. Looks don't matter is a complete lie in the end because truly it matters more than most things. If looks didn't matter, we wouldn't have be seeing "beautiful" people on tv, "beautiful" on print ads, and pervasive messages telling us that we are not good enough and need to change our physical appearance to be truly beautiful. Yeah there are businesses out there that are promoting an idea that you should feel comfortable in your own skin. Dove, for example, has a campaign and it helps promote that exact idea. While trying to promote that, they are linking that feeling good about yourself imagine to their product; with their product you can feel just as beautiful. We wouldn't have sites that you upload your picture to and have other people rate you on a scale of 1-10 how "hot" you are, wouldn't have sites that you actually have to gain access because it truly is a "beautiful people" club. Even the attractiveness of regular day objects matter, so how can we say the physical appearance of people don't matter if we care so much about the appearance of everything else. We wouldn't need plastic surgeons to make us look better, give people lypo, lip injections, botox, and all the other fun medical procedures to make people look "beautiful."

People wonder why people (especially girls) let this get to them. Beauty is so abstract that it's impossible to achieve true beauty and people don't like that. People are bother by this thought because we see constantly see the "beautiful" people in a much pretty side of life; it just seems they have everything and can get anything they want because they are "beautiful." People constantly pick at their own little problems because humans have the tendency to want to better themselves all the time. We all want to believe that we are a good person and if we can better ourselves, the more we can the better. We will always know someone better than us and we'll strive to be that and even better.

Is this the only thing we're lying about to ourselves? Of course not. The list can go on forever but we lie to ourselves so we can sleep at night. Lie to ourselves to convince ourselves that life is okay, even though its not, we are a good person, even though we are very selfish/jealous, tomorrow will be a better day, even though we will be dwelling on yesterday. Don't let this get you down, just realize that this is happening.

Don't get me wrong, as much as I think looks matter, I do believe that in the end, personality and a person's true heart matter the most. Yes, lying may be mad but it can benefit people's feelings, even our own. This is a very hypocritical and unfair life we have but we just need balance out the good and the bad in life and hopefully we get through this.

Thanks.

-Allison

Post No. 4 : How things changed in a snap [or four days]

Happy St. Patrick’s Day to everyone who started drinking at nine this morning; kudos. This post is just all about me because I really don’t know who to talk to about this anymore and things need to be let go. So if you, yes you, the one reading this, don’t care about my person life, stop reading now. I’ll give you a second to leave....

Past four days, I’ve gotten into a little situation that has complicated my relationship with the guy I am still currently in love with. Things have finally changed and we decided to end what we have but stay friends.

I’m heart broken, completely torn apart, and I hate what I’m doing.

Every time I talked to him, I was on top of the world, he made all my worries go away, he protected me, he made me so happy. I never felt so loved before until I met him. The things we talk about, what could be, all the little conversations we had about what we could do together. My hopes were so high and to have them taken away like that in a quick snap was very hard for me. To know that I didn’t even get a chance to share that with him hurts a lot. I brought myself to believe that maybe one day we could be together and share what we have together. I slowly realize that we’ve both been lying to each other to even keep what we have. I know he’s an honest man and everything he’s ever told me was true and it sucks to know that none of that will ever come true...I still believe in all the things he’s ever told me but actions speak louder than words. I can’t blame him that he can’t just take action as much as I want him to. He’s in a committed relationship and it is unfair of me to tell him to make up his mind because I understand he is in a difficult position. We’ve kept this a secret and no one knows but the two of us.

I’m torn from my emotions/wants/needs, how he acts towards me, and how we interact. My heart is telling me that this is wrong, I shouldn’t give up this easily, I want this to work, I need him in my life, I can’t lose him ever. I do love him very much, I always will and I will never forget how happy he makes me. He treats me like he ever did, lovingly and caringly. I know he does care for my happiness, he cares what I think, and he cares where we go from here. I know he doesn’t want things to just end this way but we both know this is potentially better for both of us in the end. He told me that he loves me so much and he is afraid that I’ll just up and leave suddenly. I’m torn because for him to say that he loves me, it wasn’t just a friend love, it was a love like what it used to be, before all this happened. It makes me regret everything that happened today. Makes me wonder if what we decided to do was right or completely wrong. I’m torn apart because I’ve come to the realization that I’ll never be the girl in his eyes. I’ll slowly become “the friend.” I’m not saying that it will be bad but... with all we had, all we talked about, to be the girl in his eyes meant everything to me because he really did make my life so much better. Between us, we act very differently. I miss what we had. I miss it a lot. We’re still trying to figure things out and all the “what ifs” and how we can make this better. I wish nothing changed, I wish things were easier. I remember one time, he told me he doesn’t think about how he can’t be with me, we were very optimistic about this situation and not looking at it so negatively but now that’s all we can do. I wish it wasn’t this way.

I tried to act as if nothing was wrong, try to brush it off as nothing but deep down I was hurt and couldn’t believe what happened. I’m trying so hard to not think about this, because every time I do, I start to tear up and cry almost every time. I have to preoccupy myself, make sure I’m constantly thinking about something else to not think about this and just break down. By acting like nothing happened, I give off a vibe that I don’t care; I’ve already moved on; he was just another boy. It’s the exact opposite. I really do care and am truly upset what happened, I haven’t moved on, not even close to moving on, I’m still dwelling in this thought, and he’s not “just another boy”, he means the world to me and so much more. I try to act like nothing is wrong because I wanted him to worry about me less, I didn’t want to just sit around and mope and whine about how sad I was because I know he wouldn’t be happy to hear any of that and feel bad that he is STILL hurting me.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. As much as I want to move on, I’m still thinking about all the “what ifs” and doubts; what if he is the guy for me, what if we continue on with what we have, what if in the future things don’t work out between those two, Is this really what’s best for us, If we continued on, will it go anywhere further than just this, could we ever make things work, if we really did start dating would things get better or worst....I can’t stop thinking about this....

In the end, what are my thoughts? I am in love with him; I never at any point fell out of love with him, even when I found out things I didn’t want to hear. I love him none the less. I’ll always remember all the good moments, all the sweet things he said, and all his honest words. I’ll always remember what we had and how special it was. What’s next? I really don’t know where this will go. I really wish I knew.

Me: i just want you to be happy...put your mind at ease....you've been dealing with a lot past several days and i think it would be nice for you to just relax and have fun
Him: fun to me is talking to you, relax is what you give me

I love him so much....and I always will. He will always hold a special place in my heart.

four days, one entry, more than half a box of kleenx, still unsure.

Thanks.

-Allison

Creative Writing No. 1 : Alone

I haven't written anything in a long time that was remotely like this and I do miss it a lot. It allowed me to express my feelings in a poetic yet very corny way. Sometimes I feel like that and don't feel like writing a complete blog about how I feel. I think I'll start posting them here. Just new ones, I have some old ones but they aren't super fantastic so... here's one.

March 14th 2009
Alone
by Allison Wong

Unwanted
Uninspired
Unloved
Loneliness
Abandonment
Sorrow
Sad
Betrayed
Guilt
Unfaithful
Liar
Worthless
Jealousy
Incomplete

These feelings consume me when I am alone.
They sneak up on me; they are a silent killer,
Killing me slowly from the inside and there is
Nothing I can do about it but accept it.

Thanks.

-Allison

Post No. 3 : Live life slow, and smell the roses.

I am sitting in class and the prof is going over notes that really don’t mean much to be so I’m going to sit here and blog for a bit. On a lighter note of my other two blogs, I’m going to blog about something, quote unquote, inspiring/good/happy.

I was in English class today and the prof mentions how the poem we were reading was very relax and kind of get people to “stop and smell the roses.” We don’t see that very often anymore. We are so fast paced and digitalized; we (young adults) don’t go out as often as we should just to enjoy things around us. It’s actually such a nice feeling to be outside just because and take it slow. Springtime is one of the best times to go out too! The new flowers, new leaves, greener grass, less snow, and so much more just come to life! To really take in nature, take in what we take for granted, gives you a great feeling to see all that you have. All the little things your friends or parents do for you, even strangers! All the little things you own that make life “easier” and so much more. I don’t know where I’m trying to go with this but I do believe that we should honestly stop, smell the roses, look around, and enjoy what we have now, appreciate the little things, and appreciate life.

That’s really all I have for now. I’ll post it later when I get home.

Oh, P.S. Here's the actual poem, all the punctuation and spelling is exactly as it's shown.

Belief & Technique for Modern Prose

By Jack Kerouac

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy

2. Submissive to everything, open, listening

3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house

4. Be in love with yr life

5. Something that you feel will find its own form

6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind

7. Blow as deep as you want to blow

8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind

9. The unspeakable visions of the individual

10. No time for poetry but exactly what is

11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest

12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you

13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition

14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time

15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog

16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye

17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself

18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea

19. Accept loss forever

20. Believe in the holy contour of life

21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind

22. Dont think of words when you stop but to see picture better

23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning 

24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge

25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it

26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form

27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness

28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better

29. You're a Genius all the time

30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

Thanks.

-Allison

Post No. 2 : Dislike of "tweens" and people in general.

This weekend I went out with my brother and his girlfriend to do a little shopping. It was about 1:30PM or so and the mall was pretty busy. I expected that since it was a weekend but I was not pleased to see the number of kiddy teeny bops. You know, the 10-16 year olds at the mall with their little group of friends. As I’ve grown up I’ve slowly develop a complete hatred for these “tweens”.

What do I exactly hate about them? Well first of all, they have no common courtesy. A few of them do and are very polite, I do admit, but some of them don’t even know how to say excuse me or sorry. They don’t know where they are situated in a busy mall so they stand wherever they want and get in many people’s way. And how many there are with such bad choice of clothing. This is usually girls that insist that a tiny tank top and sweat pants is acceptable in a mall. This may just be me and my taste for fashion but I don’t think its acceptable. Also, how the entire group looks alike and they are carbon copies of each other. Let it be a group of skater boys or preppy girls, they all look alike and talk alike.

Now why does this concern me in anyway; to be honest, it doesn’t and shouldn’t. What bothers me is how much I would hate to be raising a kid at this point. Age 10-16 and be the parent that’s letting my child be such hooligans in a mall. I mean I’m not close to perfect when I’m in a mall setting with friends but at least I know my faults when it comes down to it and what is appropriate and inappropriate to do in a mall. Walking around loudly in a mall, I don’t see that to be too big of a deal but if someone was to tell me to stop it, I would. But to walk into someone, step on them, bump into them, get in their way, I think a simple “Sorry” would do a lot of justice.

To be quite honest, I would not be a proud parent to know how idiotic my kids are acting. And to be honest, I hope my kids don’t copy most of my silly behaviours, only a few of them. I am questioning what parents are teaching their kids now a days, and how media has such a big influence on impressionable teens. I hope about the time when I have kids, the culture is different. When people don’t want to have a carbon copy best friend, have a sense of what to wear base on weather, chivalry being exercised, and being more aware of social surroundings.

Now that I think about it, I’ve come to be very bitter towards people in public. I’m sure when people see me in public they aren’t pleased with me either and I know that. You can’t please everyone around you and you are bond to be hated by a few. So the type of people that bother me in public include:

1. People that INSIST to wear the brand Bench and flip their collars up for EVERYONE to see that it is indeed a Bench sweater/jacket
   
2. People that wear sunglasses all year round, even during a non-sunny day
   
3. Shorts during temperatures that are below 10 degrees Celsius
   
4. Sweat pants and boots and tucking the legs into the boot. [Understandable if its wet out]
   
5. Wearing leggings as pants
   

There are probably a lot more things but I’ll keep it to a list of 5. Yes I may be a jerk by saying all these things but there are people out there that agree with me. Plus, this is an opinion, if you don’t like it, don’t need to read it or agree with it.

Thanks.


-Allison

Post No. 1 : Stressing about the future/Personal Issue.

Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve typed anything. Sorry about that boys and girls [To my myspace readers].Life has been pretty simple for me right now, mostly school and stuff, caught up in that. I’m reading a book for school and it’s pretty awesome! It’s called On the Road by Jack Kerouac. Read it if you ever come along it! I’m half way through and going to finish it this Sunday I hope =]

Anyways! Topic for today: how people stress and worry about the future. Well worrying about the future in general. And my problem with getting upset even hearing the simplest thing.

I have a wonderful friend in my life and they’ve worked so hard to get where they are. He’s worked 5 years and is now in med school for the first year. He found out that profs and other people think this may not be “the right route for him.” He’s stressing out and I can understand that. Knowing you worked so hard and everything may just go down the drain hurts. I’ve tried so hard to convince him that what people say COULD be true but he can change it. The future is unpredictable and changing every second. As I type this, my future is changing for all I know.

My concern for everyone’s well being is that we worry too much about the future. I’m quite guilty of it; I’m constantly worrying about what if things don’t work out, what if I don’t get into photography, what if I don’t marry the man of my dreams and have the nuclear family I’ve always wanted, what if I lost the most important person in my life [more on that later]. To worry about the future is to live in fear of failure. We’re all human and we can be a very pessimistic bunch. I would like to think that we can all change but it’s easier said than done. It’s easy for a third person to come into your life and say “Hey, don’t be so negative, think about the positive.” But to actually be in the situation where it seems like everything is going down, it’s hard to dig yourself out of that. If you’re reading this, and nodding your head saying “Yeah, I can be pretty pessimistic” or “Yeah, I’m always trying to tell people to think more positively,” Tell yourself or your friend that to live life in the present because the future can change in a snap. The simplest decisions we make in life change our future and to worry about something that we don’t exactly have control over is silly to do. Admit it, we are all guilty of it. Don’t give up because things are hard. You know that you’ll feel better in the future to know that you’ve tried then just given up.

Live life in the present, not the future.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.

Down to the itty gritty; my problems. Exit the blog now if you honestly don’t care. I’m in love with a man that’s dating another girl [Blogs from before mention this more often than I can imagine, if you want more itty gritty details, check back to my myspace]. We love each other very much and yet we’re both very upset because of this situation. I get upset from the mention of her name to seeing her picture. I get upset because I know the truth is this is his GIRLFRIEND and they can actually spend time together [even though she lives in another city, she can at least go visit him and live with him for a couple days, and I can’t.] Yes I’m jealous, very jealous in fact. It’s the truth that kills me. This girl is absolutely beautiful and probably a very charming girl. Of course being the “other girl” I can nit-pick at her bad and every girl can see “the bad” in another girl; it’s in our blood to be able to do that with no hesitation [SERIOUSLY]. I’m not going to sit here and say all the possible bad things about her because I don’t know her and even if I did, that behaviour is so low and I will not do that. It’s not me. I’m happy that he is with someone but upset because that someone isn’t me.

How did I let myself get into this situation and not just ditch him? “Allison, if he’s dating another girl, he can’t be THAT interested in you.”, “Allison, you’re a wonderful girl and there are plenty of other guys out there.” No one understands how wonderful this man is and what a great “relationship” we have. Yes it may not be official in words that we are dating but we don’t need that. I know he loves me and I know I love him and that’s all we really need to know. It doesn’t matter what other people think or say, we are happy to have each other. And we both feel that if this was to end, we’d both be very sad. It hurts to even think that this may end one day. Everything we talk about, what this could lead to, how happy we may be in the future with each other, it’s wonderful to hear it, and especially to hear him say things about “our” future. I’ve never been the girl to be in someone’s future plans and to hear that he wants me in his life is more than I could ask for.

This is why I can’t let this man go. He’s absolutely perfect. He’s so loving and caring. Best part is he’s real with his thoughts, what he has to say, and what he does say, they are all honest words. He didn’t lie to me about having a girlfriend, he doesn’t hide things from me and I respect that so much. He’s comfortable talking to me about anything. He knows me so well, that he could probably write a ten page report about me. We have so much in common it’s unbelievable and it kind of blows my mind. I really do think that he is the man for me and I see myself marrying him one day. I know it’s so silly to say that NOW but I can honestly say that and it’s how I feel.

Thanks.

-Allison

Whoa! Blogspot.

If you're actually on this right now, you know I've been blogging on myspace since 2006 and I'm finally upgrading! Yeah! Wow, that sounds a little bad. haha. Anyways, same format as myspace, additions when I feel like it, these are all personal thoughts and my life situation. If you don't care, why are you even here reading this? If you do care, give it a read, not forcing you to read these and leaving me a comment. Do whatever you please. For people that HAVE been reading my blogs, Welcome! If you WANT to read more of my past blogs and just about me as a person, my myspace is [http://www.myspace.com/silly_asian_love] and if you really want to lurk me, I'm on Facebook [Allison Wong] Even though you really can't but you can add me and we can be friends!

I'm not going to transfer any of my old ones onto here, all the ones i'm going to be posting here are ALL NEW so...I should probably write a blog on my myspace and re-direct people here... ANYWAYS! Blogspot. Can't believe I'm upgrading all of the sudden. Why did I pick this one? Why not any other fancy popular blog site? Don't know, don't ask. Get over it.

And Welcome. =]

P.S. I'm posting a new blog today. Be excited.

-Allison