Okay, I think its time to talk about it. It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve talked to Mike at all. And I need to talk about it and reflect why I said what I did.
First of all, I know it was my fault. I should have never said those things to him and I shouldn’t have been such a bitch to him. I am a bad friend to him and if he chooses to never talk to me again, then I’m okay with that.
So, let’s start from the beginning:
I’ve always given Mike mix messages; telling him to be tough, getting over things, and not let things get to him so easily. I would then turn around and ask why he doesn’t talk to me about his emotions or anything to that matter. I guess I just wanted him to be able to monitor his emotions and stuff by himself but I feel that he shuts out a lot of “bad” things and puts on this act like nothing is wrong. I only tell him to toughen up because its hard to hear about a friend having a bad day or going through tough times because all I want to do is be able to change it all. I feel useless when I can’t do anything to change their mind. It gets overwhelming when I have multiple friends going through “tough times” and I’m having issues with my life. I want to put my friends first and I usually do but when it seems like nothing is going right, I just want to hear something good. I take it out on him a lot because he’s not someone I actually see or have to confront. I feel bad to say that but that is true and it is why it happens.
I told him before that I didn’t want to hear things about him being happy because this was when I was still very much in love with him in a very romantic way. ‘Til this day, I feel that he still feels hesitant to tell me about all the good things that happens with him and how he is very happy. I’m over it, I love him as a friend and deep down, he’ll always be a really good friend of mine. He’s trying to change, to be a better man, but I don’t think it’s overly healthy when he’s putting on this face, trying to be happy. I mean, it’s positive that he does that and remembers there are good things going on in life, but I think everyone needs to feel a little down once in a while. As crazy as it sounds, I think I might pick fights with him and act like a bitch to him because I need to feel down and have a good cry. Maybe I subconsciously do all this “hating” to lose the tension, the stress, and just everything. After that good cry, everything seems to be a lot better for me. I don’t know.
Back on track now; I was very rude to him the night we fought. I pushed him too far and I really shouldn’t have. I did because I feel that is the only way I’ll get a reaction out of him and for him to say what he really thinks. I feel awful for pushing him too far. I feel awful that I hurt him and didn’t even know or ask about it. I guess I really do take that he is a different person but he really isn’t all that different. He’s still human, gets hurt, and doesn’t say anything. To read in his blog that he was upset by my words and not just tell me really made me feel like a total asshole. Am I that hard to approach? I wish he would of just told me that I was being a bitch and was upset. I shouldn’t be so tough on him. I know I wouldn’t want a friend like me if I were that much of a bitch. I mean, I put up an act all the time with him. Yeah, I really do. I’m a tough guy around him. I share things but at the same time brush them off like its nothing (unless it has to do with school then everyone in the world knows how frustrated I am about that), but I take things lightly because I don’t want them to affect me because there are just some things in life that I believe shouldn’t be a big deal.
Okay, I’m rambling now and I’m tired.
Yes, I do regret things that I have said to him.
No, I won’t be forgiving myself any time soon.
Yes, I know it was my fault and will accept his decision to not be friends with me.
No, I will not be very happy with him out of my life.
Yes, I miss him dearly.
I guess judgment day comes on February 17th. Why? Because it’s my birthday; if he still cares about me and wants to be friends with me still, he’ll (hopefully) say something to me then. [I am basing this off the time we got into a fight, didn’t talk for awhile, and it was his Birthday and I said something]
Now that I think about it, I totally forgot to say happy birthday to him (2010) and I still remember that and I still feel like a total asshole for letting it slip my mind.
Okay, it’s 11pm. I’m going to bed.
Thanks.
-Allison
