Wow, what a cheesy title right? Yeah, it might be cheesy but very true too. I know, it’s been so long since I’ve written anything so this is going to be one big blog with lots to be talked about.
Alright, let’s just start with something nice. Summer is finally here and I’m quite excited! Within this summer, I hope to do a lot more than I did in previous summers. Some point, I want to get some friends together to go out to Toronto for a day or two to just hang out, go to Canada’s Wonderland and some other places of course. In July, I’m going to Grandbend to a friend’s cottage to hang out for a couple days which should be awesome! Oh, and some point, I’m suppose to get my G1 [Wtf Allison! You’re 20 and you don’t even have your G1?!] (Yeah, I know, shut up). I hope to do more photography related stuff sometime soon too because I definitely miss shooting.
Something else I want to talk about, growing up/my career. Gosh, I can’t believe I’m already 20 now. Growing up has been such a fast ride that I’m sure in a blink of an eye; I’ll be 30 very soon. I think it’s hard to grow up to be honest. There are so many things you need to learn. Yeah, they might be little things you need to learn but it’s still a big deal because your parents aren’t always there for you, holding your hand, and guiding you along. But you know, you gotta do what you gotta do and things just work out well sometimes. Hopefully things go well for me soon where I can save up money and then move out on my own, or a roommate. Then later in life, I hope I meet a nice guy that will treat me right and such; get married, have kids, the whole shabang.
Now on the topic of growing up, let us talk about where I want to live. I don’t think it matters on what city or place I live in at the moment, as long as it’s a cool place. I want to live in an apartment at some point for sure. A nice apartment hopefully, but a dream apartment would blow my mind. I want an apartment that has more of a open concept/loft feel to it, a nice view, walk-in closet, stainless steel kitchen, a bunch of other things and little details involved too. Hopefully I live there for awhile, on my own would be the best, and then with my boyfriend/fiancée, then move out when we decide to have kids. Then from there, the house will be marvellous. I think I should just marry an architect, and then our house would look awesome forever haha.
Now into the deeper side of this whole blog: how to deal with people and their problems and how hard it can be. Over the years, I’ve become the friend that was there for people to listen to their problems and try to say all the right things and be a shoulder to cry on. As much as people “look up to me” and hear me deal with such random situations, it drains me completely. It’s hard to sit there and here a close friend of yours says that life isn’t going the way they want to and how unfair things are. You feel useless when you can’t think of the right answer or how you can’t just fix the problem right there and then. I have several friends that deserve a lot more than what they have or how they’ve been treated. How do I manage to do it? I don’t know I just do. I put everything on hold, sit there, listen, think about it, put myself in their shoes, try to feel half of what they’re feeling and try to think of a good solution in the right state of mind and being unbiased. Then you come to the point where you don’t know what to say and the person is still unhappy and you just stop caring. It feels awful to stop caring about a good friend of yours but there is just nothing you can do yourself and you’ve heard it over and over again, it’s just enough.
You know what else sucks? Being tossed on the back burner and being left there. Who came up with this silly saying anyways? Alright, so I know a lot of people know this feeling and man does it suck. It’s the worst feeling to know that you’re only second, or third, maybe even fourth in someone’s life and he or she is number one to you. Is it bad that this isn’t the first time I felt like this? I guess so that I let something like this happen so often. Along with silly sayings, I’m like that pot that got really dirty that no one really wants to touch or use because its old looking so I just get left on the back burner. But if someone just took the time to clean me off, they’ll see a lot more than just a pot. [Allison, you’re so lame][I know, shut up]. My situation is that my guy friend whole I’ve talked about many times and I’m absolutely in love with puts me on the back burner all the time. He talks about other girls often and he knows it. I wonder if he’s like that with anyone else... you know, talk about me to other girls, or does it just happen to me? I am indifferent if it actually just happens to me. It could either mean that he doesn’t really care about me and I am on the back burner, or that I’m someone special that he feels comfortable talking to about anything and everything. Let’s just say it sucks to hear him to talk about other girls. I think that is how everyone feels; hearing someone you love and care about talk about someone else they’re “interested” in. Of course a lot of people wouldn’t have the situation because that person they love and care about is their boyfriend or girlfriend but I’m just not that lucky.
Now, the title of this blog “When you let your brain talk, sometimes your heart gets broken” has to do with this next story of mine about the fight I had with my friend. We got into a huge argument and I said things I felt horrible about afterwards. Everything I told him was true and I felt the need to tell him all of this. This was my brain talking to him, saying all the things he should hear and how I feel about it. The whole time though, I was crying so hard because at the same time I was thinking “No! Don’t tell him that! You’re going to ruin EVERYTHING!” and my heart speaks the truth sometimes, it really did ruin it a little and I practically lost the closest person I have in my life. The brain knows the rights and wrongs and doesn’t think about feelings, just thinks logically and rationally. The heart on the other hands knows how you’re feeling, what will make you feel better, and it gets very involved into a situation that it thinks irrationally and makes quick decisions to stop all conflict. The things I said to him was just awful because I know they hit him pretty hard. We ended our friendship for a day and I was ready to move on to not be friends with him but I couldn’t do it. I said sorry and we got into another argument and that was it. I wasn’t going to take it anymore. Another day later, he apologized and I accepted because in the end, I want him in my life, no matter how much I may get hurt sometimes. Now I look at my old blogs and I can’t believe this is the second time that him and I have gotten ourselves into a situation where we almost ended up being ex-friends.
I think this means a lot though. No matter how much we fight, get angry with one another, have awkward silences/situations, neglect one another, we both in the end never want to be without the other. We might fight often but in the end, I can’t imagine not having him there. My friend, John, thinks this is unhealthy and I agree with him. I schedule my life around him and do so much for him and has included him into my daily life and I’ve never even met him...all we do is talk on MSN yet he is a part of my life to the extent that I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him. John told me that I need to have a life of my own, without him; because it is clear that he is having a life of his own without me. I shouldn’t just sit here waiting for him and hoping one day he’ll be mine... well I guess I could but can’t just live off that hope. I need to start having my own life.
Well that is all of my giant blog. I will try to blog more often.
Thanks.
-Allison
