Post No. 29 : Getting my emotions in-check.

Yeah, it’s 5:15am and I just woke up from a dream and I’m wide awake... and I realized how much certain things actually bother me and I didn’t think it did.

So my dream, I was at my friend’s place of work and it was a new store location and we were just all hanging out and celebrating the new opening and he was co-manager or something and it was cool and so forth. We went outside to just talk about stuff and it got to the point where it was just awkward so he says “I think I’m gonna go” So I say “yeah...” and he leaves and then I either over hear him saying or think about him saying this “You know at first I hung out with them and then it got to the point where I stopped and started to hang out with you more and more. Yeah, things just progressed from there and it’s good now” and there I am lying outside crying because my friend was talking to another girl that he was seeing. One of my regular customers that come into work saw me crying and comes over to tell me a story to hopefully cheer me up about the situation. And then my friend rides by on his bike, gives me a funny look like he always does and I just look away crying. He stops and tells the girl he’s with that they’ll hang out another time and he comes riding up to me and my regular customer asking “what’s the connection?” and I just tell him to go away and he says “How can you just be like oh that’s cool on MSN but in real life be god why the hell is this happening” and then I woke up.

I can’t believe how much “this” is bothering me. The thing is, I have a friend, really good friend, and we just became friends over the summer and he’s a great guy and everything and just recently I found out he was “seeing” a girl kind of but not really because they actually want to spend less time apart but that is beside the point (I definitely think they’re sleeping together). I’m clearly jealous and kind of crushing on this guy. Well I guess I knew I was crushing on this guy but I didn’t think it has gotten to this point where I’m jealous and even dreaming about how much my love life sucks. I can’t even interest a guy enough for them to like me in that way. I always become the friend and get into that “friend zone” and that’s it. What does it honestly take to become “the girl” you know? What am I doing wrong? Or is it not me and I’m just not finding the right guy?

To be honest, this friend, I don’t ever see me dating him anyways. He’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not my “type” of guy I guess. I don’t really want to date for the sake of dating; I want to date a guy I can see myself marrying. Is that asking too much? I mean, first boyfriend, I am not going to date them if I don’t see myself marrying them? Either way, this guy is WAY out of my league anyways.

I just don’t know how to feel about this anymore. I say all the time that I don’t really care if I have a boyfriend or not because right now, school is more important and I need to focus on that. Secretly though, I’m worried if I’ll ever find a guy that’ll love me for me and hope that one day I’ll actually get married.  I’m worried about if I’m just going to grow up and be alone forever. I really need to think about what matters and do something about it.

Thanks.

-Allison

Post No. 28 : Best friends are one in a million.

Same excuse in the book; I’ve been busy. So I got something that is good, at least something that brings a smile to my face.

So last couple days, I’ve just been getting ready for school and stuff and hanging out some more for one last time with my friends before it all begins again. So for the past week, my best friend, Kelsie, and I have been going back and forth from school and just hanging out and I have to say that she is one of the greatest friend I’ve ever had. Now let me go on to explain how we met and such.

Kelsie and I have known each other since we were in kindergarten and I would like to think we were pretty good friends back then...haha. I don’t remember us playing together but later in life we did become friends for sure. So we didn’t have a class together until grade 5. By the time I was in grade 5, I was a “popular” kid. Can you believe that? Me, a popular kid! Well it goes downhill pretty quickly. So by the end of grade 8, I realized that my “friends” were kind of....for a better word; bad and I did not want to be part of it so I started to hang out with anyone else. And Kelsie and I have still been good friends all through that. Like yeah we didn’t talk to each other much but we knew. And it wasn’t until grade 8 that it was her FIRST time coming over. At that point, we’ve known each other for 9 years. In high school, when we did have a class together (which wasn’t many until later years) we always had a blast. I am for sure she is my most awesome friend in the whole entire world and she will be part of my life until the day I die. As of now, I’ve known Kelsie for 16 years. Wow. That says something right? Recently, we just hung out and watched tv, and today, she came over and we just watched movies and hung out. I love her to death and I can’t wait to see what comes next.

Now, that brings me to my next point. I was taking Kelsie out to get her bike and I just remembered how I use to do the same thing with this guy I was seeing. And I wonder, jeez, what happened? I wish I was still cool and wish guys still liked me. It makes me wonder when the next time will be. I hope soon. Blah. That’s really all I wanted to say about that. Okay, I need to go to work in the morning and be up by 5am. Goodnight everyone!

Thanks.

-Allison