Alright, this is hard for me. I don’t want to talk to anyone about this so I’m just going to mindlessly write about it.
I never thought I’d love him so much. It’s come to a point where without him, I’d be so empty. He makes me so happy, makes me feel so loved and yet I get a reality check saying everything opposite of it. It hurts me to know that he makes me sad. What am I suppose to do? Do I say “I want to be just friends” and fight back all the tears? Or do I continue on with this little lie of my own thinking I’m happy until I find a replacement? He makes me so happy, makes me so sad, and makes me feel so loved, so rotten. What do I do? Yeah, he wants to make me happy sure but does this really count? He says all these sweet things that he really means yet we both know that we may be more than friends but this is the extent of it? A online-long-distance-not-real-relationship?
Why does he make me feel this way? I’ve had many other guys hit on me and make me feel like a million bucks, yet I can turn it all off and go “he’s just another guy” and say I love you without meaning it? Yet, with him, everything I say, I mean it with all that I am.
Why do I let myself into these situations? Is it really that hard to find a guy? I have it going on right? I’m a great catch right? Yeah I’m might not be your size-2 kind of girl but I have more than that to offer. Do I do this for myself? Do I do it for the sake of this “relationship”? He wants to be my friend...wants me to be happy...maybe I have to be just friends with him. He doesn’t want to lose me than fine; we can be just friends...right? I have to stop loving him at some point. He’s going to marry a girl, have kids, and have his beautiful house and everything. I can’t be that clingy. I know better than this. Come on Allison, you can listen to your own advice. When you hope too much, dream too much, wish too much, it all comes back and hits you like a fucking brick wall....you know that...you learned it the hard way...grow up. What do I do now? I need a life of my own...without him.
Why does this hurt so much? Come on Allison, you’ve never even met this guy and you’d do anything for him? Choose him over anyone in the WORLD? Yeah he might be an amazing guy but not worth your time when he isn’t willing to do things to be with you. Actions speak louder than words. He SAID that you’d be the girl he’d go to if anything was to go wrong. Yeah, when things go wrong with the girl he’s with. You’re just a safety net for him, his own personal psychiatrist that listens to all his problems. He doesn’t really mean that he wants to be with you. Right?
Why am I talking so badly about him? Is this supposed to make me feel better? You know he’s a great guy! Hell, if you were to ever get a guy like him, you’d definitely be dreaming. Who was it that told you that you should never settle for something because you’re worth way more than that and you should always deserve what you should get, and that is the best. Allison, you shouldn’t have to settle for shit. If this guy isn’t going to try to be with you then he’s not worth the time and energy. Right? Fuck.
Why is this so hard? You tell people all the time that they have to do things for themselves because nothing is handed out. Things aren’t going to change. You have to decide Allison. As much as you love all the cute things you two say to each other, it’s not permanent; just temporary relief of a emotional relationship. You need to think about this and figure it out.
Thanks.
-Allison
