Happy St. Patrick’s Day to everyone who started drinking at nine this morning; kudos. This post is just all about me because I really don’t know who to talk to about this anymore and things need to be let go. So if you, yes you, the one reading this, don’t care about my person life, stop reading now. I’ll give you a second to leave....
Past four days, I’ve gotten into a little situation that has complicated my relationship with the guy I am still currently in love with. Things have finally changed and we decided to end what we have but stay friends.
I’m heart broken, completely torn apart, and I hate what I’m doing.
Every time I talked to him, I was on top of the world, he made all my worries go away, he protected me, he made me so happy. I never felt so loved before until I met him. The things we talk about, what could be, all the little conversations we had about what we could do together. My hopes were so high and to have them taken away like that in a quick snap was very hard for me. To know that I didn’t even get a chance to share that with him hurts a lot. I brought myself to believe that maybe one day we could be together and share what we have together. I slowly realize that we’ve both been lying to each other to even keep what we have. I know he’s an honest man and everything he’s ever told me was true and it sucks to know that none of that will ever come true...I still believe in all the things he’s ever told me but actions speak louder than words. I can’t blame him that he can’t just take action as much as I want him to. He’s in a committed relationship and it is unfair of me to tell him to make up his mind because I understand he is in a difficult position. We’ve kept this a secret and no one knows but the two of us.
I’m torn from my emotions/wants/needs, how he acts towards me, and how we interact. My heart is telling me that this is wrong, I shouldn’t give up this easily, I want this to work, I need him in my life, I can’t lose him ever. I do love him very much, I always will and I will never forget how happy he makes me. He treats me like he ever did, lovingly and caringly. I know he does care for my happiness, he cares what I think, and he cares where we go from here. I know he doesn’t want things to just end this way but we both know this is potentially better for both of us in the end. He told me that he loves me so much and he is afraid that I’ll just up and leave suddenly. I’m torn because for him to say that he loves me, it wasn’t just a friend love, it was a love like what it used to be, before all this happened. It makes me regret everything that happened today. Makes me wonder if what we decided to do was right or completely wrong. I’m torn apart because I’ve come to the realization that I’ll never be the girl in his eyes. I’ll slowly become “the friend.” I’m not saying that it will be bad but... with all we had, all we talked about, to be the girl in his eyes meant everything to me because he really did make my life so much better. Between us, we act very differently. I miss what we had. I miss it a lot. We’re still trying to figure things out and all the “what ifs” and how we can make this better. I wish nothing changed, I wish things were easier. I remember one time, he told me he doesn’t think about how he can’t be with me, we were very optimistic about this situation and not looking at it so negatively but now that’s all we can do. I wish it wasn’t this way.
I tried to act as if nothing was wrong, try to brush it off as nothing but deep down I was hurt and couldn’t believe what happened. I’m trying so hard to not think about this, because every time I do, I start to tear up and cry almost every time. I have to preoccupy myself, make sure I’m constantly thinking about something else to not think about this and just break down. By acting like nothing happened, I give off a vibe that I don’t care; I’ve already moved on; he was just another boy. It’s the exact opposite. I really do care and am truly upset what happened, I haven’t moved on, not even close to moving on, I’m still dwelling in this thought, and he’s not “just another boy”, he means the world to me and so much more. I try to act like nothing is wrong because I wanted him to worry about me less, I didn’t want to just sit around and mope and whine about how sad I was because I know he wouldn’t be happy to hear any of that and feel bad that he is STILL hurting me.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. As much as I want to move on, I’m still thinking about all the “what ifs” and doubts; what if he is the guy for me, what if we continue on with what we have, what if in the future things don’t work out between those two, Is this really what’s best for us, If we continued on, will it go anywhere further than just this, could we ever make things work, if we really did start dating would things get better or worst....I can’t stop thinking about this....
In the end, what are my thoughts? I am in love with him; I never at any point fell out of love with him, even when I found out things I didn’t want to hear. I love him none the less. I’ll always remember all the good moments, all the sweet things he said, and all his honest words. I’ll always remember what we had and how special it was. What’s next? I really don’t know where this will go. I really wish I knew.
Me: i just want you to be happy...put your mind at ease....you've been dealing with a lot past several days and i think it would be nice for you to just relax and have fun
Him: fun to me is talking to you, relax is what you give me
I love him so much....and I always will. He will always hold a special place in my heart.
four days, one entry, more than half a box of kleenx, still unsure.
Thanks.
-Allison
Past four days, I’ve gotten into a little situation that has complicated my relationship with the guy I am still currently in love with. Things have finally changed and we decided to end what we have but stay friends.
I’m heart broken, completely torn apart, and I hate what I’m doing.
Every time I talked to him, I was on top of the world, he made all my worries go away, he protected me, he made me so happy. I never felt so loved before until I met him. The things we talk about, what could be, all the little conversations we had about what we could do together. My hopes were so high and to have them taken away like that in a quick snap was very hard for me. To know that I didn’t even get a chance to share that with him hurts a lot. I brought myself to believe that maybe one day we could be together and share what we have together. I slowly realize that we’ve both been lying to each other to even keep what we have. I know he’s an honest man and everything he’s ever told me was true and it sucks to know that none of that will ever come true...I still believe in all the things he’s ever told me but actions speak louder than words. I can’t blame him that he can’t just take action as much as I want him to. He’s in a committed relationship and it is unfair of me to tell him to make up his mind because I understand he is in a difficult position. We’ve kept this a secret and no one knows but the two of us.
I’m torn from my emotions/wants/needs, how he acts towards me, and how we interact. My heart is telling me that this is wrong, I shouldn’t give up this easily, I want this to work, I need him in my life, I can’t lose him ever. I do love him very much, I always will and I will never forget how happy he makes me. He treats me like he ever did, lovingly and caringly. I know he does care for my happiness, he cares what I think, and he cares where we go from here. I know he doesn’t want things to just end this way but we both know this is potentially better for both of us in the end. He told me that he loves me so much and he is afraid that I’ll just up and leave suddenly. I’m torn because for him to say that he loves me, it wasn’t just a friend love, it was a love like what it used to be, before all this happened. It makes me regret everything that happened today. Makes me wonder if what we decided to do was right or completely wrong. I’m torn apart because I’ve come to the realization that I’ll never be the girl in his eyes. I’ll slowly become “the friend.” I’m not saying that it will be bad but... with all we had, all we talked about, to be the girl in his eyes meant everything to me because he really did make my life so much better. Between us, we act very differently. I miss what we had. I miss it a lot. We’re still trying to figure things out and all the “what ifs” and how we can make this better. I wish nothing changed, I wish things were easier. I remember one time, he told me he doesn’t think about how he can’t be with me, we were very optimistic about this situation and not looking at it so negatively but now that’s all we can do. I wish it wasn’t this way.
I tried to act as if nothing was wrong, try to brush it off as nothing but deep down I was hurt and couldn’t believe what happened. I’m trying so hard to not think about this, because every time I do, I start to tear up and cry almost every time. I have to preoccupy myself, make sure I’m constantly thinking about something else to not think about this and just break down. By acting like nothing happened, I give off a vibe that I don’t care; I’ve already moved on; he was just another boy. It’s the exact opposite. I really do care and am truly upset what happened, I haven’t moved on, not even close to moving on, I’m still dwelling in this thought, and he’s not “just another boy”, he means the world to me and so much more. I try to act like nothing is wrong because I wanted him to worry about me less, I didn’t want to just sit around and mope and whine about how sad I was because I know he wouldn’t be happy to hear any of that and feel bad that he is STILL hurting me.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. As much as I want to move on, I’m still thinking about all the “what ifs” and doubts; what if he is the guy for me, what if we continue on with what we have, what if in the future things don’t work out between those two, Is this really what’s best for us, If we continued on, will it go anywhere further than just this, could we ever make things work, if we really did start dating would things get better or worst....I can’t stop thinking about this....
In the end, what are my thoughts? I am in love with him; I never at any point fell out of love with him, even when I found out things I didn’t want to hear. I love him none the less. I’ll always remember all the good moments, all the sweet things he said, and all his honest words. I’ll always remember what we had and how special it was. What’s next? I really don’t know where this will go. I really wish I knew.
Me: i just want you to be happy...put your mind at ease....you've been dealing with a lot past several days and i think it would be nice for you to just relax and have fun
Him: fun to me is talking to you, relax is what you give me
I love him so much....and I always will. He will always hold a special place in my heart.
four days, one entry, more than half a box of kleenx, still unsure.
Thanks.
-Allison
No comments:
Post a Comment